Sold the crib today.
It reminded me that I’m officially not having more children.
It also reminded me that I actually had three, not two.
Trying to get pregnant is exhausting! You do silly things despite the fact that they’re complete myths. Get those legs up, can’t hurt to use a little gravity – don’t go to the bathroom right away, gotta give it some time – should we be active 3 days in a row or every other day?
Wanting a sibling for our son was what kept my hopes up during that year and a half of trying. And finally seeing those two pink lines washed a load of worry off my shoulders.
But it wasn’t to be.
A miscarriage is not something talked about without sorrow. For some, it’s not talked about at all. I was amazed that almost every woman I shared my loss with confessed a similar experience. It’s more frequent than we think, so please don’t ever feel like you’re alone.
When I experienced this loss, I could have been angry, but I wasn’t. And certainly not at God. In fact, a large part of me was grateful to him. Grateful that he saved my child from unforeseen suffering had it not been able to develop fully. I thanked him for saving me and my husband from facing an even greater heartbreaking situation. I was comforted that he saved my child from experiencing pain or heartache.
But mostly, I was just sad. Incredibly, heart-heavy sad. This sadness was caused by 3 troubling thoughts.
I will never meet this child. A part of me and my husband helped create this new person. And I would never get to meet him or her. Never hear this child’s laughter or voice, feel a little hand on my arm, look into the eyes of a new soul. But I should specify this to say “here on earth.” If you haven’t read Heaven is for Real, I highly recommend it. Especially for anyone who has experienced a miscarriage. I truly believe it is proof that we will meet these heaven-kept children again. And when I meet my child, he or she will be more than just a several-week old baby from inside my womb. I will meet a little person, as he or she was intended to be. And I will ask to hear about the gift of a life in heaven.
I don’t know if you were a boy or girl. Our loss occurred at 11 ½ weeks. Far enough along to think we were in the clear, but not able to know gender. But I will…someday. Sometimes I picture the girl I had been dreaming to know, find out if she has dark hair like me, green eyes like her dad, and if her heart and mind are strong like I would have hoped. Other days I picture another boy as individual and independent as his brother, see what makes his sweet face different, and wonder what the musketeers would be like.
How long will I have to wait? It is draining and can push hope to your boundaries…waiting to see those two pink lines. I didn’t want to go through it again. It took a year and a half to get pregnant with my first-born, the same amount of time with this second. How long would it take the next time? I worried it might not happen at all. What if the pink lines would never show again? No sibling for my beloved son was another potential loss that was heavy on my heart.
A woman giving birth to a child
has pain because her time has come;
but when her baby is born, she
forgets the anguish because of her
joy that a child is born into the world.
John 16:21
Although I didn’t experience the pain of delivering this child, I also didn’t have the joy of meeting this new little one. But I do have joy…in knowing that the life God gave us is sitting next to Jesus in heaven, full of bliss and comfort.
“Until we meet, my little one…please lay a blanket out next to you. Save us all a spot. Because in addition to me and your Dad, there are your two brothers to meet.”
The Lord hath taken away, but the Lord gives, too. He answered our prayers for another child. And although the wait was long again, I kept faith, I never stopped hoping. So keep your faith, your hope. All things are possible with Him.
And if your prayers for another child are never answered, know that your heaven-kept child is waiting to meet you. Perhaps ours are sitting together with Jesus now! 🙂
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Butterfly Heart 
Hugs dear friend!
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Thanks! Your hugs mean the world to me!
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