A Little Breathing Room

Alarm clock screaming, bare feet hit the floor.

It’s off to the races, everybody out the door.

I’m feeling like I’m falling behind. It’s a crazy life.

Ninety miles an hour, going fast as I can.

Trying to push a little harder, trying to get the upper hand.

So much to do in so little time. It’s a crazy life.

It’s ready, set, go. It’s another wild day. When the stress is on the rise in my heart, I feel You say, Just…


You may recognize these lyrics if you’re familiar with Christian artist Jonny Diaz’s song, Breathe. Even if you aren’t, your heart may recognize them. Like mine did when I heard it the other day – for the first time actually.

I was in my car, mashing an original chicken sandwich from Burger King into my mouth. I had stayed home that morning with a sick child, and was hightailing it to work after my childcare giver came to help, but took 5 minutes to stop for lunch.

The song hit me hard. I stopped chewing. It made me sigh. Because it embodies everything I wanted to say in this post – a post that I’ve been struggling with whether to write. A decision I’ve been struggling with.

You see, it’s been a year since I started writing this blog. And I’ve made some amazing discoveries. About myself. About my kids. About my husband. About being a mom in this time-pressured world.

That time of self-exploration – looking in the mirror more intently, to better understand my natural traits, my strengths, and of course, my weaknesses – was so valuable.

A year ago, I realized the most powerful voice in my home had become mine, and not in the way I wished. I lost my temper, I yelled out of frustration, at stupid things, when I thought about it later. I love my kids with all my heart; yet, here I was treating them in a not so loving way when they interrupted my agenda, pushed my buttons, drove me nuts with normal, kid things.

Any of this sound familiar? If it does, please don’t be so hard on yourself. That was one of the things I fought…still fight. Beating myself up. Kicking myself for not kicking this habit. Judging myself…harshly sometimes. Because we do love our kids dearly and show them in a 1,000 ways. The sad part is we focus on the 10 ways we mess up.

Heartbeats Collage

Despite the wonderful things I discovered this past year, it’s been the last few weeks where I’ve begun to question my focus. Writing a new post each week started to feel like a chore rather than an uplifting release of stress or self-improvement. That was one thing. And I probably could have kept plugging along, thinking I was just having a temporary writing block.

But there was something else I was feeling. I always promised to be honest on this blog, so here goes. I had hoped to begin to build a community here. Where I, and other parents, could feel safe. Where we could share our guilt, find ways to combat the frustration, and give each other cyber hugs and encouragement. It just didn’t happen. Please know that I am SO very thankful to the bloggers who gave my posts a Like, for my dear friends who gave me encouragement along the way. It seriously means so much to me.

It’s okay that it didn’t go further. That a dialogue didn’t get going. Because like I said, it was an amazing time of self-discovery. But in being 100% truthful right now, the silence began to overwhelm me. It started to make me feel worse. Like maybe I was the only one struggling with this. It started to become discouraging instead of the encouragement I longed for.

I decided it was time to stop looking in the mirror. Because when you’re looking at yourself as closely as I was, those flaws end up seeming ginormous. And I felt it was doing more harm than good.

So I have a new focus. While I keep working on me in the background, I will set my eyes singly on the very reason I started this blog in the first place. My kids.

47 - breathe

It’s always been about them. About being the best mom I can possibly be. Because that’s what they deserve. That’s what I want for them. While I can’t expect to be perfect – as absolutely no one is – if they are my single line-of-sight, their needs will be first.

And that’s where my decision came into play. Is it time to stop writing this blog? Is it better to get the rest I need at night instead of jumping up to write at a brightly lit screen at 2:00 am because that’s unfortunately when my best thoughts came to mind? Is it better to actually focus on playing a little basketball in the driveway without mentally writing a blog post in my head and missing the actual fun of it?

Is it helping anyone? Is it still helping me? I do still believe in it. I truly do. But I feel it is simply time for a break. So that less of my time is spent on dissecting my flaws, and more time is spent on what’s important. Right. Now. 


I’m hanging on tight to another wild day

When it starts to fall apart, in my heart I hear You say, Just…

Breathe. Just breathe.

Come and rest at My feet.

And be. Just be.

Chaos calls, but all you really need

Is to just breathe.


I wish I could say how long a break this will be, but I just don’t know. As sad as it makes me, I feel like it’s the right thing to do at this point in time. I will keep this blog live so new visitors have a chance to see my posts. I may share something interesting on my Facebook page now and then. I’ll continue sharing my discoveries via Pinterest. Because they’ve become dear to my heart, and I believe, hope, and pray they can help someone else along the way. I’ve shared some of my favorites above.

And I hope to be back. I will be back. With a new sense of purpose for this blog. One that I hope He will point me to, as I focus on…

Listening.

Loving.

Breathing.

Being.

Just being.

If you follow my blog, or follow me on Facebook, you’ll be first to know when I’m back. 🙂 And hear the new stories I have to share…of success and encouragement, I’m hoping. Until then, bless you and all your precious little ones! Give them “butterfly hearts” as often as you can. And if you’d like, you can listen to Jonny’s song here: Breathe on YouTube. I hope it speaks to your heart.

My Trash Can Has Superpowers

So it seems my trash can has supernatural powers. Namely, the ability to turn invisible.

A Now You See Me, Now You Don’t kind of thing.

For example, when a family member needs to throw something away, it appears. Even if it’s full, it’s there to accept just one more Jello cup.

But if said family member walks by that overflowing lid on the way out the garage, POOF!

It’s gone.

As if there is no full trash can to be emptied at all.

Much to my disappointment, I am apparently immune.

The full trash can sits there in all its slovenly glory, completely visible to me at all times.

46 - superpowers

What I was not immune to this past week was a nasty sinus infection.

The kind that completely incapacitates you. During the day, it fills your head with a haze of confusion like you’re the walking dead and feels like a vice is pushing on your brain. At night, it shuts off one side of your nose so you can only breathe in half the air you need and then sends coughing fits that suck out that bit of air from your lungs.

Oh, yes, it was fun.

I wasn’t completely out of it, though. I still noticed the shifty things in the house.

Like the trash can’s ability to disappear.

The dishwasher seems to have some cloak and dagger skills as well.

It sat full of clean dishes for two full days, while the dirty ones kept filling the sink.

I’m thinking it has a motion sensor on its ‘clean’ light. When someone walks by, it shuts off, undetected that there is something to be done there.

Then, when someone might entertain the thought of adding a dirty fork, it glows green again, indicating an untouchable clean space.

Just like the trash can, I am immune to this. I guess it knows it can’t fool me. After all, I’m the one who fills it and starts the cycle.

Household chores can be a touchy subject in marriage, can’t they? Who should do what? Who does more?

I thought being down for the count would make a difference. That hubby would automatically take care of the trash and the dishes. After all, he’s the other adult in the house.

But it didn’t happen.

Now to be fair, hubby stayed home from work a day and a half to help. He kept the boys busy so I could die rest on the couch. He ran to get us food three times because I hadn’t been to the grocery store before I was attacked by nasty germs. He reminded the boys to be quieter so my head wouldn’t explode.

I just wished the other things would have been done.

But that was the problem. I was wishing when I should have been asking.

I think after doing certain things non-stop for several years, you sometimes forget it doesn’t have to be done by you. You also don’t see what someone else always takes care of. Habits are hard to break.

Like I don’t really notice how long the grass is because I don’t cut it. It doesn’t bother me when it snows until I have to get out of the driveway, but it’s cleared before I’m even up.

Hubby wasn’t purposely ignoring the trash. It just wasn’t on his radar.

And Moms don’t get sick, right? Well, we typically keep going like the Energizer bunny even when we do get sick. Part of our problem sometimes. We’re bad at shutting ourselves down, even when we have no choice.

But here’s what I was reminded of.

With all of the duties we assume day-in and day-out, we forget to ask for help when we need it.

I needed help. I wished I didn’t need to ask for it. But sometimes you just need to ask.

And when I did, the trash was removed and the dishes put away.

It’s the same with our Father in heaven. When we need help, He wants us to ask. One difference is…He knows perfectly well what we need help with. But He still wants us to ask.


     “Ask, and it will be given to you;
seek, and you will find; knock, and it
will be opened to you.” 
                                       Matthew 7:7


So…we need to ask Him for help even though he already knows what we need. And we definitely need to ask the hubby, because he can’t read our minds.

Mind reading would be convenient, though, wouldn’t it?

Like I could tell him dinner is ready without shouting down to the basement.

Or silently ask that he come close the bathroom door – because pee wee left it open – before all my shower steam leaves the room.

Superpowers could come in handy.

Too bad I can’t make myself invisible once in a while.

Mom, I can’t find my shoes.

Mom, where’s my sweatshirt?

Mom, can you get me some milk?

Mom!

Where’s Mom? 🙂

Which items in your house have superpowers? I’d love to hear your cloak and dagger story!

Rough Around the Edges

Spring is here! It’s definitely knocking on the door anyway. I even had my windows wide open last week! What are you most looking forward to with Spring? Is it seeing the color green again? Baseball season starting? Driving without a parka on? (this only makes sense if you live in the Midwest) For me, […]

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NOT Smarter Than a Preschooler

I got called out. By my 3-year old. Twice. First, it was at his older brother’s birthday party. When one of the party goers needed to visit the restroom, my youngest tagged along and watched me wait outside the door to escort them back. Apparently, he decided to give himself the duty, because the next […]

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Role #226: Stress Ball

I was lying in bed, debating whether to get up or give myself 5 more minutes, as my toddler headed to the bathroom. That’s when I heard the sound. Not so much a tinkling in a small pool of water like I was expecting. More like a hose spraying the side of the house. Oh yeah. […]

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Hands Free Mama

Letting Go...To Grasp What Really Matters

Butterfly Heart

life in progress

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